Let him depart

I wanted to title this article "Help! My husband (or wife) is leaving", but I thought "let him depart" would put more focus on the Scriptural principles that I would like to share.

When my spouse decided she wanted a divorce, I wish I would have had some clear scriptural principles for what I should do. Of course, at that time in my Christian walk, the only thing I knew to do was cry out to God for help. But also, I spent much time looking at books on divorce. It seemed that every book gave different advice, and most books did not seem to be very helpful. I hope in this article to share some simple Scriptural counsel that I learned throughout the divorce process. Essentially, if I had to go through a divorce again, these are the things I would do. As with all articles on this website, I only pray that you "Consider what I say, and the Lord give thee understanding in all things" 2 Timothy 2:7.

Principle #1: "If the unbelieving depart, let him depart..."

If your spouse desires to leave your marriage, the apostle Paul says "let him depart". That is to say, we should not fight it; we must "follow after the things which make for peace" (Romans 14:19, Hebrews 12:14). So, in my case, I had to come to the point that I could say "if you want to leave, then please leave". One person can never hold a relationship together, and trying to do so is futile. Love is voluntary, just as Jesus does not force us to trust in Him. He even continued to bless me when I was walking contrary to Him. Please remember, that "love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). You must give your spouse unreservedly over to the Lord; put him/her on the alter. The Scripture says, "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7.

Principle #2: "let him have your cloak also"

This was a very difficult principle for me. Since my spouse was leaving, I thought it was only fair that I should get at least half of our possessions...I mean I was getting the worse end of the deal already, there should be some consolation, right? However, what does the Scripture say?

So after struggling with my spouse over splitting everything equitably, I decided instead to just give everything to her. Our goal should always be to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21), "for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head" (Romans 12:20). Oh how good this felt... just to let go. It is time for a new life, between you and Jesus. None of those possessions will make you happy anyway, they will only bring back bad memories.

Principle #3: "Do not sue the brethren"

I am sure many people would probably disagree with me on this point, but it is not my command that I give, it is of the Lord (1 Corinthians 14:37). If your spouse is a believer, these matters are to be handled by the elders of the church, not by lawyers outside the church. It will save you many problems to let your spouse have whatever he/she wants, and let them walk away. In my case, I had already begun with a lawyer, when I was councelled by an elder on this issue. At that time, I told my lawyer, that I would not consent to the divorce, and I scheduled an elder to talk with my wife. Although, the Scripture does say "let him depart", it also says "let not man put asundar" or "let not man separate" (Matthew 19:6). Practically, this means we are to allow them to leave to maintain peace, but I cannot believe we are to willingly agree to divorce. If they want a divorce, they can have it according to the state, but not with my blessing. I specifically had it written in the divorce proceedings that I was against divorce, and would not agree on it. This meant my spouse could essentially ask for a no-fault, which gives me no legal means of recourse. However, "we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). That is to say, we must make our decisions based on what God wants us to do through His word, not what we think the best action is based on our circumstances.

Principle #4: "In everything give thanks"

But you ask, "how can I give thanks in this terrible situation?". I can only say that this situation is from the Lord. It is His desire that we suffer for His sake:

Is this not the message of the book of Job? The righteous suffer, but why? Are we not created for His glory (Isaiah 43:7)? He allows His children to suffer that our faith may be refined:

Dear reader, does not the Lord know what you need? The Scripture says "if need be, ye are in heaviness". If you are in heaviness now, it is because it is what is needed to refine your faith. And can we not give thanks that He is performing surgery on us, to root out the sinful, fleshly things of our life? We must give thanks, it is what He has asked us to do. We are created for His glory.

If you are going through a divorce, I hope and pray that you will see the good in the midst of the evil. I hope that you can say, as I have learned to say, that my divorce was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was the road that led me to Christ.

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