Learning to Walk

The last month I have been through several trials, which has caused me
to really make a decision for where is my trust: in God, or in myself.
In the past six weeks I have fractured and sprained my thumb, was hit
with about a thousand dollars unexpected taxes (which is a lot of
money for a grad student), and had my car seriously die on me.  So I
decided to write this account to "declare among the people his doings"
(Psalm 9:11) and to give God praise for His faithfulness.

I guess these past few months God has been teaching me what Paul meant
when he said "for we walk by faith, not by sight" (2Cor 5:7).  And the
LORD said to the prophet Habakkuk "the just shall live by his faith"
(Hab 2:2b).  Ezra also wrote that "Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and
a light unto my path." (Psa 119:105).  So it appears to me that walking
by faith means walking according to His word.

So when I encountered my most recent trial (receiving a W-2 a week
before my taxes were due that had been lost in the mail for I don't
know how long, which unexpectadly increased my taxes by about $700), I
decided try this concept out: to walk by faith and not by sight.  If I
was walking by sight, I would have just run down to the bank and
gotten a short-term loan, or called my dad or my mom and told them
that I needed money.  No, this time I was going to ask my Father in
heaven for help.  But when I searched the Scriptures for what my next
step-in-faith should be I saw the words "Render therefore to all their
due: taxes to whom taxes are due...Owe no man anything..."  (Romans
13:7-8) Wait a minute, how can this be?  I don't have the money in my
account to send, then I recalled the words, "If you shall ask anything
in My name, I will do it."  (John 14:14).  So, although I did not have
the money in my account, I decided that the course of action I should
take, in faith, was to write a check and ask for God to provide money
for me to cover the check.  I thought this must be what it means to
walk by faith, not by sight.  So that is what I did, I wrote a check
and put it in the mail.  And did exactly what seemed the only option
for me to take, according to His word.  And being fully assured that
what God had said, He was able also to perform (Rom 4:20-21).

Then came doubt...

But after I did this, I began to doubt that God would actually honor
this.  I went back to the Scriptures again to find "But let him ask in
faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea
driven and tossed by the wind.  For let not that man suppose that he
will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man,
unstable in all his ways."  And I was filled with inner turmoil.  So I
spent the entire night (~3 hours sleep) meditating on Isaiah 26:3 which
says:

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on
 thee: because he trusteth in thee."

But in all the time that I quoted this verse, I always thought that
this meant keeping our mind focused on the Lord (which I do by
meditating on His words).  But I never really understood the second
part until now: that peace comes as a result of trusting in Him.

So the more I doubted the less child-like my faith became, and I began
to rationalize that God could not actually mean what He said.  It
certainly could not be that simple that we could just ask anything
according to His will, and we could be confident that He would perform
it.  (And yet this simple child-like faith is man-kind's only hope for
being saved from the wrath of God.  "For ye are all the children of
God by faith in Christ Jesus." Galatians 3:26 "Not by works of
righteousness, but according to His mercy He saved us" Titus 3:5)

So instead of continuing to trust in God to provide the funds, I
thought to deliver myself from all this mess, by selling half of my
furniture.  Then I felt much guilt because I had asked my Father to
deliver me, and yet I did not trust Him to do it.  I went back to
His word to see:

"Cursed is the man who trusts in man
 And makes flesh his strength,
 Whose heart departs from the LORD."
 Jer 17:5

but...

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
 And whose hope is the LORD.
 For he shall be like a treee planted by the waters,
 Which spreads out its roots by the river"
 Jer 17:7

So here I go, trusting in my ability to save myself.  Yet, when I was
driving to Memphis to sell my furniture, my car suffered a major
heart-attack, which cost about $650 to fix.  So in the end, when I
tried to deliver myself by selling my furniture, I resulted in a net
loss of -$300.  (Could Jeremiah 17:5 really be true, cursed is the man
that trusts in man?  Or was this just another amazing coincidance that
God's word was correct again.  By the way, of Hudson Taylor and George
Mueller, and others who lived by faith, they found that during their
entire life, God's word never failed them.  Wow, that must have been a
lot of coincidences!  George Mueller counted over 50,000 specific
answers to specific petitions he asked of God during his life.  If
we would only trust Him, and take Him at His word!)

So now, even in a much worse situation then before, (now owing about
$1600, and having only about $500), I went back to God and said "Ok
God, it's all yours, please deliver me from all this mess."  And no, I
was not going to doubt this time; I had fully given it to Him.  Then
on April 30th, the most amazing thing happened: I checked my mailbox,
and I had two pieces of mail from two different people: one was a
check from my dad for my birthday (even though my birthday was over
two months ago) and another envelope containing $400, including a $200
money order and 2 $100 bills.  Recall that I did not ask anyone for
money or tell anyone that I needed money; I only asked my God in
heaven.

So in the end, I had just enough money to pay all my taxes and to fix
my car.  Some might say "what an amazing coincidence that I received
two checks from two separate places, one from someone I might not even
know, that was just enough money to cover all my financial needs."
But the even greater coincidance is that I had asked God for Him to do
this, and He delivered just the right amount, at just the right time.
Thanks be to my God, who is faithful, even when I am faithless!

So once again God's word "faileth not".  And Hudson Taylor (the great
missionary to China) repeatedly quoted this favorite verse which
nicely sums up the faithfulness of God:

"If we believe not, yet he abideth faithful:
 he cannot deny himself"  2Ti 2:13

In the end, though I was faithless, God remained faithful to His
word.  Isn't that just like God?  Hebrews 13:8 says "Jesus Christ
is the same yesterday, today, and forever."  His faithfulness will
never diminish.

So my hope is that my experience of God's deliverance may be another
reminder to us to believe that God's word means what it says, and that
our faith must be like that of a little child, who cries out to his Dad
"Abba, Father, help me in my time of need".  I think this is what
Jesus meant when He said "Verily I say unto you, Except ye be
converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the
kingdom of heaven."  (Matthew 18:3)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight."

May the Grace and Peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

wes