It was the summer 1997. I was 26 years old. I had been married for three years to a woman that I have and still do deeply love with all my heart. Our marriage was coming apart at the seams. When I look back at those times, I am ashamed and confounded at the person I was. A man who lived for myself and did not take care of my wife, as God would have me to. However, I had desperately become dependent on her, and thought life could not go on without her.
One day, I knew she was planning to divorce me. I could not take the pain. I said that without her life is not worth living. I had sat all day in my office at work, with my head on my desk. I finally had made up my mind to do it. Life was not worth living anymore. So here is the plan, go home, call her at work, ask her if she wanted a divorce. If she said yes, I would start my car in the garage, fill the garage with carbon monoxide, and die a painless death. After all, there was no reason to live, no reason to stick around. I was too depressed to even write a note to my family.
So I started to leave work, and follow my plan. A voice inside me seemed to be telling me to talk with Doug at work, a man who loves the Lord, and is not ashamed of it. I wrestled with the thought, but finally gave in to it. Doug and I sat down. I explained everything to him. He gave me some wise advice. He told me I needed to "get right with God", and not to worry about my marriage, God could fix that. He told me to cast my anxiety on the Lord because He cares for me (1Peter 5:6). We prayed together and I was very encouraged. After he left, I prayed to God and said something like "God, I've made a mess of my life. I'm done living my life. I'm now turning it over to you." So that day I died. I died to myself. From now on my life would be a sacrifice to God. It says in Romans 12:1, "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service." That is what I would become: a living sacrifice.
So this day I started a new life, a life in God. I did not know all the ramifications of what would happen from that single prayer, but the next few months were miraculous. It was as if I was blind and now I could see (John 9:25). Suddenly my whole life seemed to have purpose, and I was amazed at the word of God, how powerful it was. I remember thinking, "this book tells the entire history of mankind, and the entire future of mankind" and gives us everything we need for living a life of godliness (2Peter 1:4). It was also as if I could hear God speaking to me, telling me things that I needed to do.
Why had it taken 26 years for me to make this decision? It took the failure of the one thing that was most important to me to wake me up, to realize what life was really about.
At about the age of four, I had taken an alter call at a Baptist church with my dad. I remember knowing John 3:16 at that time,
So the preacher told me I was saved, and throughout my entire upbringing until the actual conversion occurred, I had been taught that I was saved, and that I should never doubt it. I had known all the right things: I had known that I was a sinner in need of a Saviour.
I had known that the price of my sin was death.
And I had known that Christ died for me, so that I might be reconciled to Him.
Moreover, I knew that the only requirement was to believe in Him with my whole heart.
Yet though I knew all these things, I still did not know the One who died for me: Jesus Christ. What an amazing realization that we can be personal friends with the One who created all things (John 15:14, 1:3).
So though I knew the truth, I never acted on it. This seems to be a fairly common phenomena that happens. Someone recently explained this problem using the example of a chair. I can look at a chair and know it is going to hold me up, and have faith that it will hold me up, but until I sit down in the chair I truly have not trusted that the chair will hold me up. In other words, I can say that I believe in Jesus all day long, but until I actually take that step to trust in Him for salvation I have not really believed in Him for salvation.
Another person explained it to me like this, referring to the fact that salvation is the gift of God (Ephesian 2:8-9). If I have a pen, and reach out to give it to you as a gift, it is not actually yours until you reach out and take it.
I have since read of many Christians, even very famous ones, who thought they were Christians long before they ever were. For example, John Wesley was already a famous preacher before he became born again. Dietrich Bonhoeffer had already written signifant theological works before his conversion. Of course they thought they were Christians all along, but they did not become children of God until they really trusted in Christ.
Do you know Jesus Christ? Is He the Lord of your life? Is He the only thing in your life that you could not live without? Don't make the mistake I did. Cry out to Jesus today, ask Him to take hold of your life. Surrender all to Him.
May the Peace of God abide in You,
wes
A few more verses that have had a big impact on my life:
"And ye shall seek me, and find me,
when ye shall search for me with all your heart."
Jeremiah 29:13
"He that loveth his life shall lose it;
and he that hateth his life in this world
shall keep it unto life eternal."
John 12:25
"For what is a man profited,
if he shall gain the whole world,
and lose his own soul?
or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"
Matthew 16:26
"Therefore, as through one man's offense judgment came to all men,
resulting in condemnation,
even so through one Man's righteous act the free gift came to all men,
resulting in justification of life.
For as by one man's disobedience many were made sinners,
so also by one Man's obedience many will be made righteous."
Romans 5:18-19
"For there is one God and one Mediator between God and men,
the Man Christ Jesus,
who gave Himself a ransom for all,
to be testified in due time."
1 Timothy 2:5-6
"we will surely die
and become like water spilled on the ground,
which cannot be gathered up again."
2 Samuel 14:14a
"There is a way which seems right to a man,
But its end is the way of death."
Proverbs 14:12
"Yet God does not take away a life;
but He devises means so that His banished ones are not expelled
from Him."
2 Samuel 14:14b